Cancer Journey - When am I normal

I cannot believe it has been two years since I finished my cancer treatments.  I remember when completed my final radiation therapy, everyone around me wanted to celebrate and I want to hide in a closet.

When I was going through treatments it was if I was doing something to get rid of the cancer and prevent it from returning.  Once the treatments were over I began feeling exposed.  All those feelings of - why me?  if I don't eat right will it come back?  if I don't get enough sleep will it come back?  when will it come back?  am I really cancer free?  am I really a Survivor?

Even now two years later I find it difficult to say I am cancer free or that I am a Survivor of Cancer. In the back of my mind, there is always a tingling reminder of it is not if it comes back but when.  Dealing with all this anxiety, along with the side effects of my medications, and the long term effects of Chemo really pushed me over the edge.

I found myself snapping at my family, and not able to concentrate.  Christmas of 2014, my husband tried to get me in the car with him and my son to go look at Christmas lights [one of my favorite things to do] and even that I could not find interest in.  It was at that point that I realized I was going to need more help.

Usually I find natural ways to cure and heal myself (diet, exercise) can really do so much, but sometimes we get to a point where we need additional help.  I finally agreed with my doctor to take Effexor, which is an anti-depressant, often given to cancer patients.  After a few weeks I noticed that I was able to concentrate better, was not snapping as my family, and it was even helpful with the hot flashes and anxiety that I was suffering from.  Okay, I wish I had not waited so long to ask for help.

Today two years after my final treatments, I find myself finally accepting my new normal.  I still have no feeling in my left armpit, and I struggle with some effects from the treatments.  But I am setting new goals for myself, and learning to enjoy each day again.  I am getting outside every day (and training for my first 5k - hey I have to start somewhere!).

Am I normal? . . . I know I am not the same as I was before Cancer, but I am finally becoming happy with "me" and who I am today.

If you are someone going through the cancer journey, or are trying to support someone, know that the healing process takes a LONG time, and just because treatments are over, doesn't mean that the journey of healing is over.

Cancer Journey 1 Year Ago Today - "I'm 34, I can't have cancer!"

Today I celebrate the one year anniversary since I started on my Cancer Journey.  Last year, I was sitting in the doctor's office mentioning that my left breast felt "funny".  And the next thing I know I was hearing those dreaded words, "You Have Cancer".  What, I am 34 years old, I can't have cancer!!!

I still have more than I want to write about my cancer experiences (especially the surgeries, therapy, and radiation), but I needed to give myself a little chance to step back from it all and just absorb what has happened in this past year.

There is nothing you can do to prepare yourself to hearing the diagnosis that you have cancer.  At times it seemed everything was moving too quickly, and others that the doctors or results were not quick enough.  You go through the "why me" stage, and the "what did I do wrong to cause this" questioning.

The year has put me through so much, but it has also affected those around me as well.  It some ways it has brought Mr. Breeze and me much closer together, and in others we seem further apart.  Physically after going through chemo, surgeries, and now radiation, I could not stand to be touched, so we lost some of the intimacy of our relationship.  We learned to talk through things, and found that something a simple a little peck (kiss) on the lips or the top of the head has meant so much more during this time.

It was a struggle to manage day to day activities, and I was devastated when I couldn't hold my son for almost 3 months.  But I saw how children adapt, and he and I found other ways to bond.

The side-effects have caused me to slow down, and really look at what is important to me.  It was during this time that I started reading blogs, and learned of others who have struggled through cancer.

There was a beautiful young girl named Talia (she was even on the Ellen show) who at 13 and struggling with cancer, had a much more positive outlook on life than I did, and she showed me through her blog how to draw my eyebrows in when I lost mine.  Unfortunately she lost her battle during 2013, and it was a crushing blow for so many.  I felt like I needed to take advantage of the time I have here on Earth and use it better.

That is when I started reading financial blogs like Mr. Money Mustache and Pretired.org, I wanted to retire and stay home, but I was in Debt [who can think about retirement or quitting early when you are in bankruptcy].   These blogs made me realize it was possible, and I could do it in a short period of time.

No matter what happens, I am living my life to its fullest.  I am making sure money is put away for Baby Breeze and Mr. Breeze should something happen to me.  It is wonderful that I had the opportunity that I did to slow down and realize I was just running the rat race, and not even enjoying it anymore.  More stuff, more money, more spending, for what???

Now I look forward to the time I spend with my son, and I maximize how much we are saving so that I can continue to spend more and more time with him as the years go by.

Yes, I am a Cancer survivor and I am going to LIVE my life each and every day.

My Cancer Journey - Reconstruction Process

For me the time after my surgery was the worst part of the entire Cancer process so far.  Looking back and knowing what I now know, I would have made some different decisions.  I hope that my experience will help others.

After 3 days in the hospital I was finally released to come home.  I could barely move my arms, and was in a lot of pain.  I was taking a number of different pain killers [Tramadol, Robaxin, Atavian, Percocet].  Some were for muscle spasms, some for general pain.  Every 3-4 hours I needed something to help with the pain.

I had two Jackson-Pratt drains on each side.  These removed excess fluid build up in the areas where they removed the breast tissue.  I was lucky, and after 1 week, they removed a drain from each side.  And after 2 weeks removed the final two drains.  [I have heard some people that had the drains up to 5 weeks, and they were annoying, and I was having discomfort where they came out of my skin, so I was glad to have them out].

Once the drains came out, and the external stitches were removed, the Plastic Surgeon starting the "filling" process.  I would go in twice a week and he would insert a needle into the Expanders that were put in during the mastectomy surgery and fill each breast with 60cc of saline.  This caused my pectoral muscles to stretch as the expanders were placed in between my pec muscle.

What I didn't know was how rapid this really was.  After doing some research most patients are filled once per week up anywhere from 30cc to 80cc.  I was getting 120cc each week in each side.  The goal was to reach 480cc in each side.  This would allow me to end up with something close to a 34B or 34C bra size, smaller than I was but still a decent size for my body frame.

The reason I was doing rapid expansion, was because I still needed to have radiation surgery on my left side.  Because I was diagnosed was Stage IIIa cancer, it was determined to be in my best interest in order to prevent reoccurrence to have radiation.  Not realizing that they could not do radiation during the expansion process since there is metal in the expanders, I have to have the expanders filled, then removed, the implants put in, and heal from that surgery before we could start radiation.  The other reason I was given is that they want to start radiation no later than 12 weeks after the mastectomy surgery.

So in order to meet the 12 week timeframe and give me enough time to recover from the implant surgery, we proceeded with the rapid fill.

Each time I would go in for a fill I would spend the next 24-48 hours in severe pain, unable to sleep.  [I should mention that I have been sleeping in my recliner since my mastectomy surgery on August 28th, at this point, as I cannot lay flat on my back and I am terrified when I cannot get out of bed on my own].  After 48 hours, my muscle seemed to have stretched enough that I can get a little comfort.  Then it is time for the next fill.  I went through about 3 weeks of this, and then I had one fill where I was literally putting my feet through the floorboards of the car and writhing in pain on the way home.  It turns out the expander was now pushing on nerves in my arms and sides and I was just miserable.

We took a week off from filling, and then I came back.  Taking the week off helped me feel a little better and start to get a little sleep, but emotionally I was a wreck and I was terrified to go back for more.  Luckily I had one more fill which got me to 480ccs.  The plastic surgeon wanted to go a little more, but I finally put my foot down and said I was done.  I couldn't handle the pain and the emotional stress this was causing me.

During this time I had to be off of work as I was taking so many pain killers.  I was still not able to use my left arm, and I had very little range of motion in my right arm.  I didn't seem to be healing, and I was starting to get back spasms.  I also realized that I was walking like my 80 year old grandmother, hunched over with my shoulders rolled forward, and I was cradling my left arm.

I decided to go see a therapist, and was referred to an Occupational Therapist who specializes in lymphadema since my left arm was starting to swell slightly [why no one sent me to a lymphodema specialist prior to surgery to measure my arm and track changes I will never know, but if you are having lymph nodes removed speak up and get measured for a sleeve it could save you a lot of pain].  I still was not able to dress myself, and needed help showering and washing my hair.

I went into the Occupational Therapist [OT] a broken woman.  I was in tears as this was my last hope to get some help it felt like to me.  This was a big turning point for me.  I will share those experiences in a separate post, as this has gotten long.

Just a few words of advice and encouragement for others:
- It will get better, it truly takes time to heal, but the pain goes away
- If you are in pain, speak up.  Don't assume like I did it is because you are a wuss.  You really should not be in that much pain.  I spoke up too late and did a LOT of damage to my muscles and tendons.

Next steps:
- Occupational Therapy and then Radiation

Cancer Journey - Bilateral Mastectomy Surgery

While I was going through Chemo, I had to make the decision on what type of surgery I wanted.

Choices include: lumpectomy, mastectomy, or bi-lateral mastectomy.

For me lumpectomy was not an option since the tumor was large and it had already spread to my lymph nodes. I decided on a bilateral mastectomy due to the suspicious spots.  I didn't want to worry every time a mammogram showed a suspicious spot.

I had a wonderful surgery coordinator, through my doctors office.  She scheduled the hospital time and stay, the surgeon, the plastic surgeon, the anesthesiologist, and the all the prescriptions that I would need.

I got to the hospital early and got checked in, I had to be there at 6:30 AM in the morning.  My mom took my son to daycare, and my dad took me to the hospital.  The nurses took me back to the prep room to get me ready for the 8:30 AM surgery.  The surgery is to take approximately 4-5 hours for the surgeon to remove the breast tissue, and the plastic surgeon to come in and insert the expanders and sew me up.

My dad was given a beeper that would let him know when the doctors wanted to talk to him, or let him know of my status as I finished surgery, recovery, and was heading to a room.

I was nervous as I really had no clue what to expect.  I met with many people that morning, and then the nurse came in to start the IV.  The anesthesiologist came in to talk to me.  Just before they started rolling me into the surgery room, he injected something in my IV to help me relax.  When we got to the surgery room he asked if I could still feel and hear and seemed surprised when I said I could.  But within 10 seconds everything went dark.

As terrifying as being "put under" is, I have to admit I like not knowing what all happens during the surgery, and waking up when they are done.  I woke up in a recovery area, and this time felt like I had been hit by a car.  I couldn't move my arms, I was numb in so many areas, and there just seemed to be a huge weight on my chest.  After I came to enough, I was ready to move onto my hospital room.

It was scheduled for me to spend one night in the hospital, and then I had to show them I could eat, drink and walk a little bit before being released.  I am not sure what happened, but I either had a very bad reaction to the pain medications, or I was very over-medicated.  I ended up spending 3 nights in the hospital, and I slept most of it and don't remember much.

I do remember a few things.  My parents came back the next morning and tried to cheer me up with a donut (which I threw up).  One of the nights I had to go to the bathroom and for some reason thought I could do it myself, but instead of hitting the call button, I hit the TV button, and ended up on the floor of my room, in my own pee and puke [thank god for heavy pain meds then, as I am sure I would have been mortified to be found that way].  I ended up spraining a finger, and getting a nasty bruise on my leg from that fall.

My poor husband [Mr. Breeze], just started a new job, so he would come visit me at night.  Unfortunately he too tried to get me to eat, and I just kept throwing it up.

On day three my parents were getting worried, as I was not eating (I couldn't move my arms enough to feed myself, and I couldn't stay awake long enough to concentrate on eating).  My mom tried to feed me a bite of chicken sandwich, apparently I feel asleep so she and dad left to get themselves lunch.  When they got back, they woke me up, and I remember showing them that I still had that same bite of chicken sandwich in my mouth an hour later (gross).   Luckily as that point, the pain medication ball that was inserted through a tube in my chest was removed, and I was awake enough to refuse the morphine.  By the next day, I was starting to really wake up and I was ready to go home.

It took 4 hours from the time the surgeon discharged me, until everything was done so I could leave.

At home, my mom became my primary caregiver.  For the next two weeks we had to drain the tubes and Jackson Pratt bulbs that were inserted in my chest to help get rid of any excess fluid.  I had 2 drains on each side. She also helped me keep track of the antibiotics, pain killers, and stool softeners [needed when you are on pain meds].  She also helped me shower and dress each day, as I had so little range of motion in my arms.

It was the plastic surgeon who I was reporting to for follow up.  After the first week he took out one drain on each side.  He checked my incisions which were healing well.  Then after the second week he took the remaining two drains out, and started the filling process to stretch the skin.

I was amazed at how little movement I had in my arms.  The left side where they removed the lymph nodes was the worst, and it felt numb and puffy.  I actually had very little sensation there, and ended up with a lot of scar tissue, and ugly flaps of skin on the side, along with the scarring from the drain tubes.  [They do go away, and a Physical or Occupational therapist is critical to go see so they can help you massage that skin and get it moving again].

Oh yes, one last little bit of advice: Don't let your family give you access to social media or you might find that you post a very horrible picture of your self while in a morphined induced state (not a pretty sight).

Stay tuned for my next cancer journey post: The horrors of reconstruction and the expansion process

My Cancer Journey - Chemotherapy Part 2

Okay, onto Round 2 of Chemotherapy.

See Previous Cancer Posts for earlier treatments

Check out my Original Cancer Journey Post
Check out Pre-Treatment Post
Chemotherapy Part 1


After my 4 cycles of A/C, I went immediately onto the drug Taxol.  Each week I would go to the treatment center and go through the similar steps to the A/C drug: check blood cells levels, pre-chemo IV of nausea, steroids and other secondary drugs.  Then I would have 90 minutes while the Taxol drug was dripped into me.

The Taxol had completely different side effects.  Since Taxol affects slower growing cells, it was at this time my eyebrows and eyelashes completely fell out.  I felt more like a Cancer patient without eye brows and eye lashes (and I had large thick eyebrows and eyelashes to start with).  At this point,  I was hairless all over my body.  [Small silver lining, I didn't have to shave my legs for 6 months].  :)

The Taxol also causes neuropathy, and my feet felt constantly numb.  You know that feeling you get if you sit on your foot too long and feels like it is asleep?  That is how my feet felt all the time, and my fingers started to get it too.  [Update: Today I am 10 weeks past chemo - and I have no neuropathy in my hands, and just a tiny bit at the ends of my big toe].  The toe nail on my big toes also started to lift up, and I ended up losing most of the one and was able to cut the other one way back.  They are starting to grow back.

Going to chemo treatment every week started to wear out my body.  It didn't have time for the blood to recover and I tried to keep myself as healthy as I cold.  I would need naps, and was just generally exhausted.  By the 8 or 9th week, I was really struggling to keep up with general daily tasks.  Of course I still had my son who was 6 - 9 months during this time, so he got whatever energy I had along with working as much as possible.

I did continue to work through most of chemo.  I would take off on the day of chemo, then rest for 2-3 days and then come back to work for 3-4 days.  It was challenging, but I just took it one day at a time.

Looking back, I think it was all the little things (the exhaustion, neuropathy, hot flashes) that just got to me.  Overall, I think I did pretty well during the six months of chemo.

My family will tell you that I was not also easy to live with, and I wasn't able to laugh or joke around, I was just tired and stressed.  But I didn't get violently ill and I was able to keep working in a lesser capacity.  I did end up putting on about 20 extra pounds that I now need to work off (most likely due to the steroids and anti-nausea medication).

After I completed my 12 weeks of Taxol, we celebrated.  We also adopted our son officially - so it was quite the celebration.  I knew that the chemo had been working as they were able to feel the tumor shrink in size.

After chemo I then had to wait three weeks to allow my blood to recover, and schedule my surgery.  I also had to make the decision on whether I was going to have a single mastectomy or bi-lateral mastectomy.  Based on the fact that I already have suspicious spots in both breast, the doctors and I determined that a bi-lateral mastectomy would give me the best survival rate.

Surgery was not what I expected, but I will put that in another post.  Overall chemo was a great decision for me, and the methods and treatments have improved greatly, even over the last 10 years.  If you or a loved one are going through this, I hope writing these experiences is helpful for you.

Cancer Journey - Chemotherapy Part 1

Chemotherapy . . .

Once I was officially diagnosed with Cancer and made it through all the testing, it was time to come up with a plan.

Check out my Original Cancer Journey Post
Check out Pre-Treatment Post

My Oncologist "Dr. Priya" and I had a long heart to heart discussion.  I told her I have a newborn adopted son that I had waited years to bring into my life, and "dam it" I was going to get to watch him grow up.  So we devised the most aggressive plan that would give me the best odds of not having a reoccurrence.

For chemotherapy treatment, I would receive:

A/C [Adriamycin and Cytoxan] This would be administered every three weeks for 4 cycles; approximately 3 months.  After that was completed I would be switched to Taxol, every week for 12 cycles, for another 3 months.

The reason for the two different treatments is that one attacks rapid reproducing cells, and the other attacks slower grow cells, giving me the best option to stop the cancer at different stages.

The first treatment was terrifying for me, and I quickly became grateful that I had the port installed in my chest.  I was dropped off by Mr. Breeze, poor man was so sick but I had to have some one drive me there and home so he did it.  Unfortunately that meant I was by myself for three long hours, however I made good use of my time with my iPad.

Once I was seated in the treatment room in a nice recliner, was hooked up to an IV pole through my port.  They took out some blood to test to ensure that my red blood cells, white blood cells, and palettes were a high enough count to be given treatment.  Then I was on a saline hydration solution until the blood work came back (usually 15 minutes).  After that I was given a pre-chemo concoction through the IV that included steroids, anti-nausea medication, benedryll, and others.  This would drip for around 30 minutes.  Then came the Chemo drugs.  I would receive three large syringes of the Adriamycin (also known as "Big Red" in the chemo room).  This had to be pushed by a nurse at a timed interval over 15 minutes.  During these 15 minutes I was told to eat ice chips.  The goal of the ice chips is to freeze the cells in your mouth to help avoid mouth sores.  This drug causes a number of side effects and mouth sores is one of them.  As soon as the nurse was done pushing the Big Red, I was instructed to take my IV pole and go to the bathroom.  It was amazing how quickly it goes through you, and the bright orange pee proved that.

I would then proceed back to my chair and they would add the IV bag of Cytoxan, and I would sit for another 45 minutes while that was dripped into my system.

This was pretty much the procedure each time for 4 cycles.  Sitting in the chemo room I received a lot of sympathy, as many of the patients were much older than I was (most were in their 70's and 80's).  Here I was not quite 35 at the time, and wondering how I got cancer.

I must admit it was during chemo that I started to go through the next phases of grieving: Anger and Bargaining.  I was very angry - I would read literature on how to reduce your risk of cancer, and wonder what I did wrong to get this.
- I have never smoked
- I maintain a healthy weight
- I am fairly active
- I am not a heavy drinker (maybe 1 drink a week)
- I have a normal blood pressure and healthy cholesterol levels
- Okay, so I had my fair share of stress . . . but did that give me cancer at 34?

It was tough sitting there for about 3 hours each cycle. I had too much time to think, and I would bargain with myself.  If I make if through this I am going to change my life, or I will take advantage of every day and every moment I am given.  That part was actually good for me, as I have enjoyed each milestone with Baby Breeze and been much more aware of joyful things in my life.

Okay, so the side affects of the A/C:

First it is a myth that you lose weight on Chemo.  Over 80% of us actually gain weight - in fact over the entire 6 months of my chemo I gained 20 pounds.  This was most likely due to the fact that I did not get sick, as the anti-nausea medication really works.  Plus the steroids I was on messed with my metabolism, and actually put me into early menopause.  I also found that foods I used to like no longer tasted right, and found myself eating a lot of pasta.

Yes, I lost my hair.  In fact in started falling out 2 weeks after I started chemo, and on my 35 birthday I found myself standing in the shower, crying, washing out large clumps of hair.  I spent about a week with thin patchy hair before I finally had Mr. Breeze shave the little bit left off.

Also, because the A/C would wipe out my white blood cells, in order to rebuild them I would go in for a shot called: Neurolasta.  This shot was great in keeping me healthy enough for chemo, but caused extreme bone pain.  The best way I could describe it is that is felt like someone was taking a screw driver and trying to crank it through my shins. [I found that Claritin and Aleve helped, but I would recommend checking with your doctor on this].

I was tired, and had a lot of anxiety/panic attacks.  Things like a sock on the floor would set me off, and I knew I was over reacting but I couldn't stop myself.  I also lost my ability to laugh at myself, and I know that put a lot of stress on Mr. Breeze because in the past we would always laugh when the going got tough.

After my 4 cycles of A/C, I went immediately onto the Taxol - I will right about my next 3 months of Chemo in a separtate post as this one has gotten so long . . .  stay tuned.

 which was given to me weekly.  The good news was that the doctors felt that the tumor was reacting positively and getting smaller.  The Taxol had completely different side effects.  Since Taxol affects slower growing cells, it was at this time my eyebrows and eyelashes completely fell out.  I was hairless all over my body at this point.

It also causes neuropathy, and my feet felt constantly numb.  You know that feeling you get if you sit on your foot too long and feels like it is asleep?  That is how my feet felt all the time, and my fingers started to get it too.  [Update: Today I am 10 weeks past chemo - and I have no neuropathy in my hands, and just a tiny bit at the ends of my big toe].




Add about Wig, other side affects

Next Step after Chemo is three week to let me blood cells recuperate and then Surgery.

Time to Get Something off my Chest

I am still in the process of documenting my Cancer Journey, and will continue to post those as I complete them, but tomorrow I go in to have my expanders removed and the new implants put in.

See, I am literally getting something off my chest and I am looking forward to it.   I know it seems weird that I am looking forward to surgery tomorrow; however, if you have ever talked to someone who has had expanders put it they are usually described as bowling balls, boulders, rocks.  They are heavy and uncomfortable.

I will provide a much longer post with my experiences with the reconstruction process in the near future.  I do have a few posts that I have scheduled, to keep this blog going until I am able to get back on the computer!  I am hoping that I will bounce back faster from this surgery than I did the last one, but we will see.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Mama Breeze

P.S.  I think the picture is so, so, so wrong [Hello Kitty decorated breast implants].  But I needed a laugh today, and just had to post it as I couldn't stop laughing.  Hopefully you got a giggle too!

Cancer Journey - Determining a Diagnosis

The horrible part about being told you "might" have cancer, as I was told during my ultrasound [see my Original post] is all the testing and waiting that you have to go through.

Here are my experiences during the diagnostic phase of this journey.

On January 22, 2013 I went in for the biopsy.  I work for a University, and the Doctors we go to are part of a teaching program.  This has its benefits and drawbacks. We see some of the most advanced researched physicians in the country who are constantly working on new research.  But sometimes we get to deal with the Resident Students, and . . . well, here's my story.

The Surgeon that I met with already had my Ultrasound results, but she has some great state of the art equipment to do an Ultrasound Guided Biopsy.  Mr. Breeze was with me, and got to see that solid mass that had everyone so worried.  I asked her what she thought, and while she wouldn't say without the pathology results, she did say that it was a rather large mass.  She also found some enlarged lymph nodes which she also wanted to Biopsy.  She did the lymph nodes after numbing the area, and there was a quick sting, but no problems.  The resident student got to do the Biopsy on the solid mass.  It was large and should have been easy to find, but she struggled with the skill to watch the ultrasound and guide the needle in me.  She did get a core sample from the mass, but it was in an area that wasn't numb and I jumped when she fired the shot that grabbed the piece of sample.  The surgeon was shocked that I was in so much pain.  She wanted to get a few more samples, but I couldn't handle it.  Luckily they got a good sample with what the resident had done.

For the next three days, I put ice on my poor bruised breast, and paced the floors waiting for the results.  Finally on Friday I got a call from the doctors office, it was confirmed I had CANCER.  We scheduled an appointment for me to come in on Tuesday to go over the pathology report.  On Tuesday I got into the surgeon office.  Mr. Breeze and Baby Breeze had to come with me, I and I was thankful to have my family there for support.

The pathology report showed that I had IDC [Invasive Ductal Carcinoma].  I have the most Aggressive form of breast cancer [N3], and it had spread to my lymph nodes as well.  It was determined I was a Stage IIIA.  From there were learned that I was ER+/PR+ and HER2-.  Basically my cancer feeds off the estrogen and progesterone in my system.

The surgeon set me up for a number of test, so that we could move forward with the next steps.  I introduced her to Baby Breeze and told her that I would do anything for the chance to watch my little guy grow up.  She gave me a hug, and told me they would do everything they could.

On Friday February 1st, I met with the Oncologist [Dr. Priya].  She was wonderful.  As I mentioned in my first Cancer post, we had a heart to heart.  I was willing to go through hell for a year, so that I could be a Mom to my little guy.  We decided to start with Chemo first to shrink the tumor, which was approximately 3.5 cm by 2.25 cm.  She wanted the results from a number of tests to ensure the best treatment and to make sure the cancer had not spread into other parts of my body.

So off I went. On February 4,  I had a PET scan.  This test looks for hiding cancer cells in my body.  I got there early, which was good, as I was on the wrong side of the hospital and had to walk all the way around to the other side.  I got checked in, and they put an IV in my right hand (my left arm was not usable, as it was bruised from the blood work they did on Friday).  I had to fast for this test, and the technician checked my Glucose levels (91 - just perfect).  They then injected me with radioactive isotopes and glucose.  I had to lay in the dark for 45 minutes and then they took me to the PET machine.  It is similar to an MRI machine, except that it is more donut shaped, and can scan the whole body (or in my case "eyes to thighs").  The hardest part was having to hold my arms above my head for 45 minutes without moving.  Overall, that was easy, so I drove home and got some work done.

At 2 PM I left for another hospital, where they scheduled me for a Breast MRI.  For this test, they put an IV in my upper right arm, and injected a Contrast material (consisting of metals).  I had to lay face down for 45 minutes of clicking MRI torture! :)  There was one set they had to do over and then I was done.  I was told I shouldn't fly, as I would have difficulty with the TSA with the amount of radio-active material and metals in my body.  They probably would have thought I was a walking bomb.  But they did give me a card that stated, "This person poses no risk to the public.  The release of this patient is allowed by the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission and meets that required regulations of the State of Ohio."  Ha, ha, ha . . . for some reason I found that funny, and I was glad to see that I had been approved under the Nuclear code.

On February 5, I met again with Dr. Priya.  She had already received the result from the PET and MRI the day before.  Based on that information she came up with a Chemo treatment for me.  She also saw two spots on my right breast from the test results, and she recommended getting another biopsy on the right side this time.

So the chemotherapy schedule was set for:
Chemo every 3 weeks on A/C [Adriamycin and Cytoxan].  I would do 4 treatments of these drugs.
Then we will start every week for 12 weeks of the drug Taxol.

February 6th, I had a my first surgery ever! [Seriously I have never been in the hospital for me].  I went in to have a Port installed.  If you have to have chemo treatments, I highly recommend having a port installed to save your veins and it is MUCH less painful to sit there for hours of chemo treatments.  For the surgery I had to fast for 12 hours prior to surgery.  No food or water all day!!!!  I was scheduled to check in at the hospital at 3 PM and my surgery was scheduled for 5 PM.  My mom came with me.  The waiting room was packed.  I was the last scheduled surgery of the day, so they quickly got me registered, and gave my mom a pager that would tell her when I was switching rooms and when I was out of surgery.  Soon I was led back to the room where I got into my gown, and they got my IV started.  I spoke with the surgical nurses, anesthesiologist (they put me under for this surgery), and my surgeon.  A Breast Cancer nurse came and sat with me and talked for at least 45 minutes, and went through all kinds of information and gave me a huge bag of stuff.  But the time she was done they were ready to bring me back to surgery.  I remember being wheeled into the surgery room, and then the next thing I recall was being wheeled back to the prep room.  I was told the Port installation went well, no complications.  I was restricted from using my right arm for 48 hours, no showers, and to take a Vicodin even if I was not feeling pain (so no driving either).

I had to show that I could eat and drink before I went home.  Those tiny graham crackers they handed me, were the best things I had ever tasted! :)  I was hungry.  I spent Thursday and Friday working from home.  I was able to get a lot of paperwork organized and keep up on my emails as I could sit at the computer for short periods of time.

On February 13, I had another test called a Muga.  This was an imaging test of my heart to ensure that it was strong enough to handle the chemo treatments.  The prep was similar to the PET scan, and once again I had to have radio-active isotopes and carry a card that said I did not pose a risk to the public.   Luckily I have a good strong heart.

The next day, I was scheduled for another ultra sound and biopsy, this time of my right breast.  My surgeon was out of town, so I was sent to another doctor.  I told her about my horrible experience with the first biopsy, and showed her the horrible bruises that I still had.  She said I should not have felt that much pain, and made sure that I was numbed well in the areas she was going to biopsy, especially since one was up against the chest muscle.  Wow want a difference!!!!  She was able to get a number of samples, and other than hearing the compression sound (like a loud click) I barely felt anything.  One of the spots disappeared as soon as she stuck the needle in it, so we guessed that one was a cyst and the other area of concern turned out to benign [sure now I get a cyst and benign tumor].

After all that testing I was finally scheduled to start chemotherapy on February 21st, but I will put that in a separate post as this one has gotten long.  If you are going through the Cancer Journey, I hope these post are helpful to understand some of the process. You will get through it, one day at at time.

My Cancer Journey

Since it is October and Breast Cancer Awareness month, I thought I would start off this Blog sharing my Cancer Journey.

Since I am still in the middle of everything, it is difficult to reflect back, so I am sure my attitude is going to change over time.  Here is a brief summary of my year so far.  In future posts I add more details regarding the different treatments that I went through on this journey.

January 2013

In January I went in for my annual PAP exam.  I jokingly mentioned to my doctor that my left breast felt funny, and I wondered if it had anything to do with holding my newborn son (he is adopted so I was not breast-feeding).  I didn't feel a lump, but I knew it felt funny.  She told me it was probably just a cyst, but sent me in to have a mammogram the next day.  During my mammogram, they said they wanted to perform an ultrasound.  Okay I thought, no problem.  During the ultrasound the technician kept getting more quiet and pushing harder in certain areas.  Hmmm . . . at this point I was starting to get nervous. 

Then I got dressed and sat alone in the room waiting for a doctor to come talk to me.  My husband was at his own doctors appointment, so we were texting back and forth.  When my doctor came in he told me that I had a large solid mass and he recommended an immediate biopsy.  Wow . . . guess it wasn't a cyst.  Unfortunately it took a week to schedule the biopsy and Mr. Breeze and I were on pins and needles during this time.  Mr. Breeze took off work to go to the biopsy with me.  [More on that experience in another post].  The biopsy turned out to be positive for Cancer.  I also had positive lymph-nodes so the cancer had already started to spread.  I was then sent for a battery of tests(PET scan, MRI, Muga, blood work, etc).

In the end I was diagnosed with IDC Stage 3a Cancer, with a fairly large tumor.  There were also a few "suspicious spots" in my right breast, but those turned out to be benign and a cyst.  So the next step was to meet with an Oncologist.

February 2013

Met with a wonderful oncologist [who happened to look just like Priya from the Big Bang Theory, so we will call her Dr. Priya in this Blog].  She was wonderful in explaining everything to me.  And based on my pathology report we decided to start Chemo right away, to see if we could shrink the tumor before surgery.  So on February 21, 2013 I started on some of the heaviest chemo drugs they could give me.  I told her I would go through a year of hell, so that I could watch my baby boy grow up.  And we developed a tough treatment schedule that would give me the best possible odds.

March 2013 - July 2013

I had 6 months of chemo with 3 month on A/C and 3 months on Taxol [Chemo treatment post to follow].  For my 35 birthday, I lost my hair.  Seriously that was the day it came out in huge clumps.  I will post my experiences with the chemo separately, but while it wasn't fun, it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be.

August 2013

I finished chemo on August 2, 2013.  I had to give my body time to heal and bring my white blood cell count up before I could have surgery.  On August 28, 2013 I had a bilateral mastecomy.  I was originally only to spend one night in the hospital, but I had such a bad reaction to the morphine and pain killers, that it took 3 nights before I was together enough to eat and walk on my own.  I also had expanders put in by the plastic surgeon for my reconstruction during the surgery.

The great news - the lymph-nodes showed no cancer cells, and the tumor had shrunk small enough that they were able to get a 1 cm margin around it to remove it!  Hooray - this is probably as close to Cancer Free as I can be considered!!!  In my mind, I am already a survivor.

September 2013 - October 2013

I finally got back to work on October 7th, after being off work 5 1/2 weeks.  Due to the rapid expansion that I had to go through [I will post about that too, as that has been the worst for me, but is not the case for most people], I was on a lot of pain killers and could not come back to work. The expansion has also caused a lot of issues with nerves, shoulder pain and pectoral muscles and cording.  I have been working with an occupation therapist, so that I could start to dress myself and shower by myself again.

I should mention here that the Breeze family has a great support system.  My parents have been helping us take care of our son [since I haven't been able to lift him since August 27th], and my Mom has been my caregiver helping me change the drains after the surgery, dress me, shower me, and get me my pain medication.  Mr. Breeze parent's are an hour away and come out on the weekends to help out as well.

So here I am . . . I am about to go in for my Implant surgery on October 25, 2013. I am told this will actually help me feel a lot better (as these fully expanded expanders feel like bowling balls on my chest, and I am only going for a small C cup).  After surgery I will heal for 3-4 weeks and then I will start 6 weeks of Radiation, just in case there are an sneaky little cancer cells that are hiding in other lymph-nodes.  Remember I wanted the treatment that was going to give me the least possible reoccurrence, so this is another preventative measure.  Also since I was already a Stage 3a, they highly recommended radiation as cancer cells could have spread.  

My goal is to have everything completed by early January 2014 and start living again with out a weekly visit to some doctor.  Here's to beating cancer!!!!

Following Life's Breezes

I am a planner.  I love spreadsheets, numbers, setting goals, and just structure in general. The one thing life has taught me in my 35 years is that the most important part of your plan is the ability to be flexible.

I thought I would graduate college at 22, get a job, get married by 25 and start having kids by 29. I had a plan.   Well that did not happen.  I did graduate college at 22, but after a failed marriage (looking back it was the best thing that could have happened to me), I readjusted my plan.  I went back for my MBA and met the most wonderful man who finally convinced me to get married again.  I created a new plan, but life has a way of interfering.  We struggled with infertility, running our own business, corporate layoffs, moving across the country for jobs, bankruptcy (due to not being able to sell our over priced homes during the housing bubble in our previous location and the seller financing our business which the new owner defaulted on) and most recently cancer.

None of these things were in my plan.  So I have learned to adjust the plan each year. My husband [affectionately referred as Mr. Breeze in this Blog] and I have become parents through the adoption process, I am in the process of beating breast cancer, and I now have a new motivation to retire in 5 years (at age 40), when my son starts Kindergarten so that I can be home when Baby Breeze gets home from school.

So why am I starting this blog? I want to share my experiences with others and hope that you can gain insight, if you so choose.  By setting goals and publicly tracking them, I hope to help motivate others and keep myself on track.  Currently the areas that are going to be my main areas of focus are:
- Raising an Adopted Son [Adoption]
- Battling Breast Cancer [Cancer]
- Financial Independence and Retiring Early (March 2018 is my goal - I turn 40 that month) [Money]

As I write these post I will label them so if you are only interested in one area you can just review those posts.

No matter what our plans may be we have decided we just need to . . . Follow Life's Breezes